Everything Happens for a Reason

Art Therapy 101

2011-06-16T07:38:00.000-07:00

Most of the time my crafty projects focus on the celebration moments of life; the happy moments or a special trip or project. There are sad moments and challenging times too. What's a crafter to do? For me the answer is simple, art therapy 101.

To help me get out of my funk I made an "My Angry Hurt Book" mini album. It's 4 pages with tons of journaling and only a few pictures. I put the book together in a matter of hours because once I started writing the words just poured out. Did it help? Yes!!!!!

The funk lifted. I created a piece of art and after reading through it I had an "aha" moment that helped too.

It's hard to write about the painful and challenging times in our lives but it is oh so helpful. I make them to help me through a painful transition or after the challenge is over to see what I learned and how I made it through. Art therapy projects remind me I am stronger than I remember. That I can handle and get through the tough parts of life and most importantly that I WILL get through the tough parts of life; I always do.

One of the questions I was asked was how do I handle sharing these projects? For me the process of art therapy projects is the important part. I don't feel compelled to share them say like a mini book about a vacation trip. I do and have shared them with my closets friends, the same ones I share my challenges and painful times with.

Today think about a challenging time you went through or are going through; find a picture or some paper and make a layout about your thoughts and feelings. And once it's done, sit back and see if you feel lighter, better for having gotten those thoughts and feelings onto paper. I bet you will...that's the gift of art therapy 101.

In a Funk

2011-06-13T05:59:00.000-07:00

1 friendship withered away + 1 friendship ending in FB hacking (yeah seriously) + loss of job 1 + loss of job 2 + selling house + moving + bff's in another city + UC benefit challenges + misc other life things = Funk.

When I list it all out; which I rarely do, I get it. I have every reason to be in a funk. It's been a jam packed roller coaster ride of a year; sometimes I feel like a pinball in machine. It's been that kind of out of my control year. Losing my bearings is scary. Feeling like I've lost control of my life = scary. Actually if I get right down to it; it's all scary right now. There I've admitted it; I'm scared.

I scared because I don't know what comes next. After 22 years of waking up, going to work, coming home, walking the dog, crafting, spending time with my friends, seeing my family and going to bed, I have no idea what comes next. That thought alone is enough to scare me. It has been hard to give up my routines, leave people I love for a new town, disappoint people because of the changes/decisions I'm making. I am sure from the outside looking in, it all looks a bit chaotic and crazy...I'll let you in on a little secret it's like that on the inside too. Add in some fear, hurt and disappointment and you'll get an idea of what I'm going through. My friends keep telling me I need to get back on the horse, I need to get out there. How do I explain to them that my head understands what they are saying but my heart is still hurting.

So I do what I do best...I craft, I cook, I clean, I plant flowers, I care take and I tend. I tend to feel grounded. I tend so I feel I matter. I tend so I know I'm connected to the rest of the world. I tend so the hurt has time to heal. I tend so I am ready for whatever comes next. I tend to help keep the funk at bay. For now that is the best I can do and when I'm ready I will get back on the horse...

Disney

2011-05-04T13:47:00.000-07:00

Tomorrow in the wee hours of the morning I leave for Disney and Sebastin, Florida. I'm nervous, excited, scared, confused and excited. A whole gamut of emotions.

I haven't flow since college (about 30 years) and much has changed since then. Today I learned how to put my belongings in quart bags so they can be pulled out for inspection. The last time I flew you just packed your stuff and boarded a plane. Of course back then there were real tickets instead of e-tickets. I think the flying will be standard stuff.

For many years I was afraid of flying. Now not so much. I can't really say what has changed though I do think life is like that...I used to be afraid of elevators now I ride all the time. Certainly remembering that I flew from California to Pittsburgh when I was 12 by myself reminded me that if I could it at 12 I can fly at 52. I know I'll be anxious, after all it's a new venture for me, but my hope is once I am in the air I'll remember what I loved about flying; looking out the window to see a quilt of green below me, moving from one state to another in what seems like a blink of an eye.

Tomorrow I am hoping my 12 year old and I make peace with my fears and doubts about myself and that I relearn what I knew all those years ago - I can do anything I set my mind to!

Only Words

2011-03-24T06:53:00.000-07:00

You think by now I'd realize the impact words have upon us. After all I grew up and still struggle with a family that thinks criticizing is a form of love. I can still tell you what I was doing the day my Father told me I didn't have any common sense. I can still see him standing in my bedroom door way as I sat on my bed reading a book; declaring that I was a hermit. That hermit nickname stuck with me for the reminder of my high school years.

As an adult I have listened as my parents criticize me for my weight, my friends, where I live, leaving my job, not finding a new job fast enough, how I spend my money, who I like politically and more. I can't remember the last time I heard a "you do good" or "we are proud of you."

The truth is they are only words but their words hurt, their words wound and their words leave scars and barriers. And the real truth is their words matter to me; after all these years they still matter to me.

Which is why, while talking with a friend last night, I had my eyes and heart opened. I had been making comments about her that made her feel less than valued. I had a tone. My Father has a tone which to this day can reduce me to a scared five year old. Instead of getting defensive, I listened and realized my words were hurtful. I hadn't meant them to be...and I can offer a bunch of excuses why I was less than kind but the bottom line is I am repeating what I know, repeating what I have learned, repeating what I experience.

I go forward with this knowledge; when people value my opinions then I need to value them. I need to use my words carefully; building the connections between us rather than chipping away at it little by little until there is nothing left but a big wall of hurt. I need to remember words can and do hurt. They leave scars and defensiveness and once said they'll can't be undone. There is no take back button on hurtful words and actions...only a lasting memory that devalues those we love.

Around Here Wednesday

2011-03-16T17:34:00.000-07:00

Around here Maisy and I have been walking first thing in the morning.

Around here Erma's brother has a kidney stone and is in the hospital not doing so well today. I am feeling helpless and concerned. Helpless is one feeling I don't care for very much.

Around here I started a new volunteer gig last night. I babysit at three urban schools a week in the evenings. Last night I played basketball with a second grader and helped him write a book. I had a blast. Tonight I'll take Advil before leaving the house because my wrists can't do basketball anymore.

Around here I enjoyed making connections with the parents last night. It really all does come down to making connections.

And speaking of connections, around here I made a call to a woman who opened 5 child care centers in another county. She is one tough cookie and has built an amazing legacy for children. Erma and I will be meeting with her next Tuesday to visit her sites and learn from her. Can't wait to see what she has done because I'd like to follow in her footsteps.

Around here I've been thinking about family; what it means to be in one, what expectations versus reality is about family.

Around here my dinner will be provided on T, W, TH nights thanks to the volunteering; which means I don't have to cook.

Around here I'm getting ready for a girls weekend...and I couldn't be more excited.

Around here I am getting ready for a trip to Philly where I'll meet up with a former co-worker/friend and her daughter who I used to teach. I'll also watch some women's basketball and get to try out my Scrapbook on the Road mini book.

Around here I'm working on the Week 11 layout for Yesterday and Today. Only one more week to go. I'll miss this class and hope the inspiration keeps coming to make more layouts of family.

Around here I made my first Etsy sale! Yeah for me.

Around here I'm eating for one, instead of the two or three people I usually eat for.

Around here I'm grateful for the all the little and big things that are taking place; the God moments to use Leah's phrase. The connections being made, the possible property, the chance meeting with the Superintendent, all of it is so good and so amazing I'm at a loss for words.

Around here I am trying to figure out how to organize my scrapbook pages, by year, by categories....

Blog Lifting from Ali Edwards

2011-03-08T05:21:00.000-08:00

Around here the sun has been shining more days than not. I am grateful for the sunshine and love looking out the window by my laptop and seeing the light and shadows on the house next door.

Around here Maisy has been spending more time in the office/art room with me. I am grateful to look over and see my little dog laying on the couch. Her sisters - Sassy and Sadee visit throughout the day; meowing when they've entered the room to let me know it's time to feed or pet them.

Around here I am watching my laptop screen get dimmer and dimmer. Yep I can do an adjustment to make it come back but and wondering if its time to replace it. It's hard to give up this old workhorse of mine. We've been together three years and I get attached to things. Plus do I want to spend that much on a new computer and then there is all the change over to get a new one set up. Hmmm, seems like I'm whining when really I could be grateful I have the money available to make the purchase if I need to; and the skills to get a new one set up and the joy at being able to view a 17.3" monitor when doing digital designs.

Around here my sleep apnea mask isn't fitting right so I'm not sleeping as well as I'd like. I am tired most days and have to push myself through the afternoons.

Around here I sold 6 Barbies on Ebay. I miscalculated the shipping costs so ended up with a very small profit. Not what I had in mind but I'm glad they will be someone else's "stuff" and that I learned a lesson about shipping prices before listing other items. Listed the Ipad yesterday...if it sells I can pay for the new laptop. The carousel horses are up next.

Around here I ordered Scrapbooking on the Road and will be making a scrapbook for a trip to Philly in two weeks. We will be going to the Crayola factory (on my bucket list) and watching the Elite 8 women's basketball for this area. There might even be a day trip to New York City; FAO Swartz here I come.

Around here I booked a trip to Florida in May - yep me on a plane. We will be staying at the Dolphin hotel and spending several days exploring Epcot and the magic kingdom. Then we'll be heading to stay with friends of my friend - visiting the beach and enjoying the sun before returning home. I am excited and can't wait to see the magic castle and princess and all things Disney.

Around here I am trying to figure out how to document the Florida trip. Do I splurge and get a Disney scrapbook or do a photo book of the trip when I get home? I want places for the maps, treasures and other ephemera I'm sure to collect. I love the bits and pieces of a journey.

Around here I got my passport. My grandparents would be so happy for me. They loved to travel and none of us have shared their love of travel. Guess I can keep Paris and the Mona Lisa on my bucket list.

Around here I blog lifted Ali Edward's post for today.

Bring on the Emotions

2011-03-03T06:36:00.003-08:00

I am a person who cries at Hallmark commercials; and within 5 minutes of watching the movie Up. I am also the person who can look at someone and know what they are feeling. And if I happen to be in a room with someone who is sad and upset, I will be the one to cross the room and put my hand on their shoulder to comfort them. In short, I am an emotions person.

I find it amusing to write that because I've spent the majority of my life hiding or running from my emotions. I have been told I am too emotional. It has been pointed out to me on many occasions - usually by someone with a dour face - that showing emotions is a sign of weakness. I have learned to hide my feelings to the point where sometimes I don't even know there. My life experiences have taught me showing emotions is something to be avoided at all costs. How wrong everyone is.

Last Saturday I helped teach a class on social/emotional development in young children. I was standing in front of a fantastic group of women when I said "if there had been a report card on social/emotional skills when I was growing up I'd have been a straight A student". Right then and there I realized that the very thing I had been hiding from so long was actually my saving grace! Healthy emotional skills helped me survive being abused as a child. Yes I learned to turn my emotions off during the times I was abused but that was precisely the skill I needed to survive and later thrive. I learned to read a room for emotions; knowing when my Mom or Dad were having an off day so I could be prepared. Being emotional has helped me in my working with young children and it makes me a better listener and friend. It also helped protect me during an abusive marriage because I could see and sense when my husband's anger was being to rear its ugly head. Being an emotional person has served me well and instead of embracing that fact, I've tried to push those emotions away; deeper and deeper until I could no longer feel them.

My emotional self was hard at work last night when I was offered a job. My stomach clenched, I wanted to vomit and my insides started to churn. Every fiber of my being was letting me know this wasn't a place where I wanted to work. In the wee hours of the morning what my emotions led me to realize was I couldn't work in place where babies were left standing in cribs looking at caregivers instead of being held. My caring nature can't work in a facility where there is caring for children is absent. My emotional intelligence came to the rescue last night a fact I'm grateful about.

In a weeks time I finally understand what I knew all along; being emotional is a great thing. Having emotions means I feel deeper, live in the moment more and accept emotions in others. Emotions have helped me do so many things in life; more than I ever realized I could...so there is no reason to run away from being an emotional person. In fact starting today I am going to embrace my emotional self. Bring on the tissues...

Child Care Shouldn't Look Like This

2011-03-02T22:03:00.000-08:00

I am not one to run away from a challenge. I never have been. In fact, I've spent most of my life doing the exact opposite. I run head first into them; fighting the obstacles along the way and achieving in the process. I love the challenges; they drive me...I am like that.

Which is why at midnight I am sitting here writing instead of sleeping; something I'd rather be doing. I toured your center today and listened as you shared your vision. A STAR 4 center, you said, and then pre-k only. No more infants or toddlers; just children learning and being ready to go to school. I asked you what your vision was once the STAR 4 was accomplished and you said to be known as a learning center; a place where when teachers hear that children in their class are from your center and they will know those children are ready for school.

All of those goals are admirable; truly they are. Which is why I keep running through the same set of questions as I lay tossing in my bed.

Why aren't there more toys in your classrooms? And why are the doors closed on all of your classrooms except for infant room which is in plain view when your center door is open?

Why is there no table for toddlers to eat on in one of your classrooms? Where do they sit to eat, play with toys, work on puzzles with their friends or play with dough?

Your director is leaving after 6 months because of the staff; their inability to do their jobs, arrive on time, engage with the children or even attempt to doing anything related to STARS.

She told me she has tried to get them to do centers and they are not interested. I asked how they did with their PDR's and she said they don't want to do them...touring the center with her I could see and hear her frustration. She has tried and failed and knows it.

Three babies stood holding onto the side of their cribs; two were in swings that were started with a push of a button. I wondered then as I wondered again tonight who was holding those babies...who was loving those babies? Why were they just left to stand and watch from cribs?

I walked into a preschool room to see one teacher reading to the children, while 2/3 other teachers stood behind her doing nothing. They weren't sitting near the children, none of them were engaged with the children in any way...several school age children were there too drawing on an easel. Not one staff person was with them to see how their day had been or share with them in any way.

What I saw was a disconnect...teachers were watching children but they weren't engaged or working with them. There was no nurturing going on, no real connection to the children...no caring. And that concerns me...

You were honest about your staff; they told on each other, they complained, the good teachers were frustrated with the ones who didn't do anything. Most didn't even want to do the minimal responsibilities and none wanted to do the extras that STARS requires. If staff can't make it to work on time consistently, no amount of coaxing will get them to fill out a PDR or attend 24 hours of training each year. And the paperwork is the least of the issues...they have to be professional early childhood educators. They have to be invested in each of the children in their care...and they clearly aren't. As you said most are there to get a paycheck...nothing more or less.

Which brings me back to you; as the owner and former Director why did you allow your program to become like this? If you aren't invested in your families and children they how will they be? If you don't provide a table for young children to sit at then how can you criticize the staff for allowing children to run in the rooms?

If you want the staff to work together then why are all the doors closed; when do the staff even have an opportunity to talk or see each other?

And finally, and this has to be the biggest concern; how can you expect your staff to be professionals when you yourself don't treat them that way? You have cameras placed in each room and watch them throughout the day - from the safety of your home - without their knowledge or consent. That fact you were so proud of those cameras and being able to watch what they do, shows how little trust you place in your staff. If the owner has no trust, how or why should the employees?

A good leader, leads by example. They are in the rooms throughout the day, they observe and model what they want to see in a classroom. They encourage communication and build trust. They offer praise and build upon the strengths of their staff. Everyone feels valued and feels they are an important and respected.

In my short time there today I know none of that is happening. Staff don't feel valued or appreciated. If they did there wouldn't be so many complaints, so many arriving late, so many trying to take advantage of the system and so many just working for a paycheck. If you want your staff to do and be better, then you have to do and be better by them.

I am not afraid of a challenge. I am afraid of an owner who secretly tapes her staff, who doesn't provide a place for children to sit throughout the day, who knows employees need to be fired but allows them to continue to work, who doesn't provide enough support to a director to keep them for more than 6 months, who let 4 second shift supervisors go because the staff walked all over them and who is more concerned with getting STARS grant money than with providing a quality experience for the 100 plus children in her care.

When I take on a challenge it has to be a realistic one which can be achieved. Unfortunately the only way your center will make it to a STAR 4 is with a major overhaul in staff and an owner who really cares for and about her teacher and families. That was the one thing I didn't see today; the human side of our professional, the caring side..and for me that's what it is all about.

Peace

2011-02-25T13:20:00.000-08:00

Odd Day

2011-02-23T12:29:00.000-08:00

The last image I have of my husband is him walking out the door of our apartment with a green army sack slung over his shoulder and a painting from by his step-Dad in his hand. That last time I heard his voice was three years later when I called to tell him divorce papers would be arriving. Today, thanks to his response to my post on Facebook I picked up the telephone and called him.

Thirty years goes by in a flash. The time and distance disappeared and suddenly I found myself remembering the two of us, younger, less gray hair and so hurt from bad childhoods we didn't stand a chance at making our marriage successful despite the love we felt for one another.

His first words were "it's good to hear your voice darlin" said in a strong southern drawl. I almost laughed when I heard that drawl. Being a northern girl I forgot how people from the south talk; darlin's and honey's were peppered throughout the conversation.

He asked if I was happy and I could honestly answer yes. We talked about what we had done between then and now. The first thing he did was apologize for breaking my heart and when I mentioned he'd once tried to strangle me and locked me out of our apartment he apologized again. The memory of that night haunted me for many years. The apologies were accepted with grace and forgiveness.

He remarried and has a daughter; whom he doesn't get to see. Hopefully that will be changing for both of them in the near future. He is twice divorced. He was grateful I called; life being too short for hurting others.

During our conversation I found myself listening as he described how our childhoods (both bad) had affected our marriage. How we both had parents that hurt us and that we make excuses for them. There was lots of talks about the narcissistic people in our lives. I wasn't as ready to talk about how my childhood hurt affect my life today. Preferring to believe we can change and grow from even the worst situation and knowing first hand how important forgiveness is to healing. In the end I was grateful because it reminded me how far I've come and how I am a survivor; both of us are really. We have that in common.

He said he never meant to hurt me, it wasn't his intention and that I'd been so nice to him. Those were good words, helpful words. He was still the boy I remembered and yet a man I didn't know. It made for an interesting paradox.

Our conversation made me realize how grateful I am for the life I am living now. Being able to say I am happy is such a blessing. Knowing I am safe has also been a gift as I have spent too much of my life living in fear and feeling unsafe. Knowing I am making peace with so many difficult parts of my life is also a blessing. Surrounding myself with those that love and hold my best interest in their hearts, instead of all the negative people from my past who were only concerned with themselves is a huge relief. I don't have the words to describe how truly grateful I am for that part of my life to have changed.

In the end I am glad I made the call. It was good to hear his voice and know I made the right decision so many years ago. It's good to understand what I didn't then, we were doomed before we started. After blaming myself for so many years for failing I now realize love can't fix everything. It can help cover the hurt but in the end we both needed to leave each other in order to heal ourselves - this is true for me and hopefully him as well. His last words were peace - our happy ending to each other.

PS: The post from Facebook that prompted the call

Me
Forgiveness is the final form of love. ~ Reinhold Niebuhr

The Gift of Unemployment

2011-02-22T05:36:00.000-08:00

Four months into my unemployment I am peeling through the layers of hurt, pain, confusion and loss to realize unemployment has given me many gifts; the biggest being the gift of peace.

I have had the opportunity to slow down long enough to really see myself and my life. Just being able to slow down is a gift in itself. My friend, Karen and I were talking the other night about how much work stuff filled our heads when we were both in high stress jobs. Both of us have gone through a job loss; one not of our choosing. We have become each others sounding boards and explore those dark corners of unemployment together; the areas neither of us is sure we want to turn the light on because we are afraid of what is hurt is lurking there.

When I was working I never realized how much of my life was about work. I woke up thinking about what I had to do that day, walked in to work knowing that as I made my rounds from one classroom to the next more demands would be placed upon me, visiting the boss would bring another set of demands and more often an argument or two about my insubordination or poor skills as a boss. I saw my job and as a balancing act; take care of this person's need, that person's can wait for a bit, keep the staff happy so they can give their best to the children even if that meant my boss saw me as a bad boss for being to easy on the staff. This paperwork needs done immediately, that phone call can wait till later and trying to keep all those balls in the air all day. By the time I arrived home each night I was completely drained and most nights could manage nothing more than sitting on the couch vegging in front of the computer screen. That is, those nights when I didn't bring work home or make to do lists for the next day or researching biting in young children, head lice policies or how other child care centers handled staff dating a parent. Yep that was my life 4 months ago. Just reading it makes me cringe.

The gift of unemployment has helped me to understand the demands of my job and the demands I placed upon myself to do my job well were a disaster waiting to happen. I forfeited my life for my job. I gained weight, developed a cholesterol problem, diabetes and popped the happy pills and sleeping pills all to make it through another day of making the world right for others.

I am very grateful to be off that roller coaster ride of stress. And one thing I know for absolutely certainty is I will never treat myself like that again. No job will over ride my life in the future. No job will take me away from myself. I will always be a hard worker - even in unemployment I am - but I will never expect myself to solve everyone's problems and keep everyone happy again. I will never sit at my desk and work through lunch just to prove to everyone that I am serious about my job; that I am a good employee.

The gift of unemployment has taught me being a good employee means taking care of myself first and foremost. It means not letting someone else's definition of a hard worker define me. It means loving myself enough to say no I don't need to handle someone else's issues and problems.

Winter Survival Kit

2011-02-09T16:44:00.000-08:00

Flow

2011-02-08T17:36:00.000-08:00

I read a blog post recently by Ali Edwards, where she talked about time in terms of flow. Getting up flowed into breakfast, breakfast flowed into getting ready to go to school, etc. The idea of flow intrigued me. Too often I think about time as something I can control and get frustrated when I don't have enough time. What I was surprised to learn was without trying, my life had flow.

One of the challenges of being new unemployed was figuring out how to give my days meaning. (Really I was trying to make sure I got out of bed each day!) Without stressing or trying to a flow developed. Most days I am up by 7am (I know!), from there I have breakfast while checking my email and Facebook. I either do some cleaning up or head to the office/craft room where I start working. Mid morning I take a break and check on whatever chores I started (laundry seems to be the number 1 favorite around here) and then I make and eat lunch. Most afternoons I am back in the office/art room until 4 or so when I make dinner, watch taped TV shows and catch up on my blog reading. I try to save projects like designing digital scrapbook pages and updating blogs for the evenings while watching TV. Sometimes I read.

Appointments are always made in the morning when I am most alert and Monday's are always reserved for work work - I am doing the books for a friend of mine's child care center. Anytime I can get to the office/craft room I am there. Being creative has replaced work and has become the flow of my life. I'm glad for that because it's been too long since I've been able to devote so much of my energy to playing with paper, scissors and color. Going with the flow is my new mantra...

What I Wish I Knew Then

2011-02-03T13:05:00.000-08:00

Have you ever been in a difficult situation; which everyone assures you will be better if you get out? Usually your head understands they are right, even as your heart closes it's ears. That was me before I quit my job.

Everyone, from family, friends, therapists, my doctor, articles on work place harassment and a Human Relations Commission employee counseled me to leave. I had been hearing it for years. And while my head knew it was the right/best decision my heart wasn't ready. Well until 3 months ago when I quit.

Three months later I can honestly say I wish I had listened to everyone and left sooner! I used to take sleeping pills two to three times a week - not anymore. I don't need them. My happy pill dosage has been cut in half! One person took a look at me and told me it was the first time she'd seen me happy and didn't realize how stressed I'd been until she saw me "unstressed". I have had total strangers tell me that I have a great personality, that they love my laugh and more than one person has commented on the sparkle in my eyes.

I have learned, contrary to what my boss told me, I was a good boss. I created a wonderful team of people who worked together. I knew my stuff. I made a difference and was an asset. All those years being told I was insubordinate, worthless, too nice, too easy, too this, too that...and what I've learned in three months is my boss was wrong. Her insecurities clouded her judgement...thank goodness others come forward and helped me see my worth in early education because I had been brainwashed that I was terrible at my job. I have learned I did good for my program, for my staff and families and for my community. And I will do so again.

I know that I am happier; actually happy for the first time in years. My days are busy, filled with projects, some creative some early education related. All is good for the first time in more years than I can remember and I am grateful for that. I am grateful for October 27, 2010. And that is something I never thought I'd say. If only I would have listened to everyone sooner.

Everyday Stories

2011-01-13T17:57:00.000-08:00

I got lost today, while driving in the back woods and found myself with plenty of time to think. I have never had a good sense of direction, so getting lost is nothing new to me. Normally I panic when I am on an unknown road; especially ones covered with snow. Today I didn't - I just enjoyed the drive. I calmed myself by looking at the miles and miles of untouched snow; white and pristine. I saw a group of horses standing on the edge of a pine forest. One horse stood further out from the group. They would have made a beautiful photograph but I didn't have my camera. I saw two owls huddled on a tree limb while the snow swirled around them. I wondered how they stood the wind and cold.

After dropping my dog, Maisy at the vets. I ran errands; making returns. In and out of the stores and every person I passed smiled and made a comment about the weather. Store clerks wanted to know if it was still snowing. A winter storm brings out the friendliness in everyone.

The highlight of the day came when I got a red velvet cupcake, peppermint mocha coffee and sat at a table outside of Starbucks. I read a story on my Ipad while drinking coffee and eating and the cupcake. I took and sent pictures to my friends. It was a perfect moment.

I realized then that my day, all my days were built on small moments. Some I paid attention too, many I did not. I realized they weren't so much moments as stories. The two owls, horses, visit to the vet, the taste of peppermint mocha coffee, being absorbed in a good book - they were all part of the everyday stories of my life. What are your everyday stories?

My Dog Maisy

2011-01-05T16:47:00.000-08:00

Today Maisy and I went to the vets. She has been having trouble with her ears which is common for Cockers. The vet had a joke "What type of cocker do you have? One who has ear infections or one who is going to get an ear infection". A little vet humor. She has been nipping people, not listening, grumpy and digging at her ears. What I didn't want to learn was that she was deaf. I wasn't ready to face her old age; the possibility that the time is coming when she won't be part of my life. Nope, I wanted to stay in my ivory tower but reality and friend forced me into the real world.

I couldn't have asked for a better vet. He was thoughtful, explained everything, too time to connect to us, listened and gave freely of his time. We spent an hour and half with him. Most of that time Maisy was free to roam the room. It felt less like a vet visit and more like time with a old friend.

One of his main goals was to improve the relationship between Maisy and I! I loved that. She has ear infections but instead of putting cotton balls, swabs and medicine in her ears, something she hates; I get to add ear wash and let her do the rest. Love that idea.

I also learned that she is in pain each and every day; some from her ears and some from the arthritis in her legs. That explained a lot about her behavior. I was grateful to learn that and I know feel very comfortable giving her a pain pill every day; something I hesitated doing because I didn't want her to get dependant on them. Knowing that they will help her and that there are other alternatives to try if these don't work or she needs more; helped me to accept her aging!

We talked about how intelligent animals are and how empathetic dogs are. My unemployment woes effect her. She knows when I am upset, just as I can read her moods. The change in our routine has effected both of us. The driving between Erie and Warren is another issue. All my stressors are her stressors too. And each thing is having an effect on her.

The end of life talk happened. He said he liked to do it before it was actually needed. His approach was simple when the time comes make the decision on what is best for the quality life of your dog rather than on what is best for you. That statement more than any other really hit me. Too often I make decisions about what works best for me. Even though I know lately she HATES riding in the car, I still take her every time I go back and forth to Warren, I do it because I don't want to be alone in the trailer. Next time, she will stay home while I travel or I'll make sure her ride is much more comfortable.

Maisy and I are coming full circle. I got her after my Grandma died. She gave me a reason to get up, a reason to care. And now as we face her senior years and I'm facing the challenges of being unemployed she is again giving me a reason to get up and to care. Maisy has forever changed my life for the better and for that I am very grateful.

Clutter 1, Susan 0

2011-01-03T08:15:00.000-08:00

An all to common scene in this house, is me reaching into a cabinet, drawer of closet for an item, only to have a cascade of bottles, picture frames, gear, falling to the floor. I mutter my usual mantra "just once I'd like it to be easy to get something" while retrieving everything that has fallen to the floor. And then the battle to tame the clutter has begun!

This time it was a small cupboard in the bathroom lined bottles and bottles of body wash waiting for their turn in the shower. Why so much body wash you wonder? That remains a mystery but body wash it is. Where to store all this body wash, and the extra packages of toilet paper and the 10 containers of deodorant taking up precious drawer space in my bedroom...and well my mind was off and racing. What if I put shelves on the landing to the attic...too far away I reasoned. What if I put shelves...where could I put shelves that would be closer...in the office? Yes what if I put shelves in the offices? Bingo we had a winner!!!

Hmmm but first I'd have to clean that closet out which means movings boxes upon boxes of financial paperwork to the attic, and a printer and computer, and boxes of old photos, and pictures frames and....well more stuff than I want to list. Which put me right back to the original question - how to tame the clutter? I had my aha moment then, in order to tame the clutter in one place I'd have to tame the clutter in another place and I'm sure another and another place. Before I knew it I'd have a full-time job taming and keeping the clutter at bay.

So I opted for a simpler solution...let the clutter win. Stop fretting, fussing, planning, buying organizational supplies, cleaning, moving and taming. Let it be. Craft, bake, blog, take pictures, spend time with friends and family, enjoy life instead of fussing about cleaner closets and drawers. And that's when my new mantra came to mind - "Crafting before clutter!"

Reverb

2010-12-01T10:06:00.000-08:00

Through Ali Edwards website, I found Reverb which is "It’s an open online initiative that encourages participants to reflect on this year andmanifest what’s next. It’s an opportunity to retreat and consider the reverberations of your year past, and those that you’d like to create in the year ahead." Considering all the upheaval of this year I thought it would be great to participate, so here goes:

December 1 One Word.
Encapsulate the year 2010 in one word. Explain why you’re choosing that word. Now, imagine it’s one year from today, what would you like the word to be that captures 2011 for you?
(Author: Gwen Bell)

One word for 2010 would be unpredictable. Friendship ended abruptly and with a great deal of hurt and humiliation, new friends were formed, others were strengthened and grew. I quit my job and now find myself unemployed. If I had been told at the beginning of 2010 that two of my closest friendships would end, two more would grow and I'd quit my job - not to mention all the commuting I've done - I'd have shaken my head and said "no way, that's not possible." For 2011 I'd like my word to be springboard. I'd like to springboard into what my life will become; new job, new roles, new volunteer opportunities, new beginnings. That would also be a good word!

Family

2010-11-24T16:39:00.000-08:00

Driving to my brother's today I realized I had a lot to be thankful for...my family, friends, car, laughter, health, creativity and love that is always with me. Despite the last few weeks...I am grateful and blessed. May you have much to be thankful for and surrounded by love.

Things that Make Me Smile

2010-11-18T19:25:00.000-08:00

My friend's blog post for today was 10 things that make her smile. In need of an emotional boost today I decided to play along. Here are 10 things that make me smile and or happy:

1. Silly as this sounds, my dog Maisy. She has survived having both her front legs broken and still manages to run and play through the pain. She is a great snuggler, good protector and watching her run through a field, ears flapping can't help but bring a smile to my face.

2. My brother. I've hated him, envied him, tortured him, adored him, loved him and know he is always there for me. He is the first one I called when I lost my job. I knew he wouldn't judge me, wouldn't criticize me and would be in my corner. He was and that's why I love him.

3. Shoes. I love the smell of a shoe store. The leather; all the shoes, it's a joy to just walk inside. Shoes bring me a joy like no other. And when I get a new pair, the first thing I do is put them on, usually before I leave the store and don't take them off for days.

4. My family. Okay we have our ups and downs but bottom line they are my family and I love them.

5. My friends - ditto Karen's post. Honestly I don't know what I would do without my friends. Especially now that I'm unemployed. They have been there to listen, held fast while I've cried and yelled. They are in my corner and I appreciate that more than they will know. They remind me that this is a process and it will take time to heal. They are much easier on me than I am on myself.

6. Office supplies. Put me in an office supply store and I can wile away the hours. For some people it's books, for me it's post it notes, pens, index cards, file folders, notepads, markers, stickers, clips, etc.

7. Scummy Sundays. I love a Sunday when I don't have to go anywhere or do anything. A Sunday where I can stay in my pj's all day. There is something about having no obligations that just feels luxuriously wonderful.

8. Art, crafting, any creative endeavor. Doing artwork of any kind takes me to another place. I am not aware of my surroundings or time. My mind is still, calm and focused.

9. Water. Get me near water and my shoes and socks come off and I am in; much to the amazement of my friends. Water calms and heals. If I could live on a beach or lake, I'd be in heaven.

10. Dark chocolate....love it!

Don't Rule Anything Out

2010-11-17T14:20:00.000-08:00

Wise words from a friend and mentor on finding out I was unemployed:

Try every opportunity that comes your way, even ones you think you won't like. You never know what doors they will open.
Take time for yourself; heal.
Don't rule anything out - you may have worked in early education for thirty years but don't rule out other possibilities.
Don't limit yourself to what you've done; explore other areas of your life, other talents and skills.

And so I have. Yesterday while sitting in meeting to teach classes to early childhood teachers and directors (new for me), I volunteered to create a Facebook page for an organization, I volunteered to teach classes with a mentor/colleague, I volunteered to help the same mentor with mailings, advertising and anything else she needed me to do. I found myself saying "use me, I have the time." Which is true for the first time in my adult life I have time to pursue other areas of interest. I can blog, create crafts to sell on an Etsy, cook, read, help others and most importantly explore other options.

When I graduated from college some years ago (no I'm not counting that many years) I had a degree in art and a desire to make my living as a graphic artist. We were in a recession so art jobs were hard to come by. I applied for food stamps (yep I was a starving artist), I was given a chance to take an aptitude test that showed I would be a preschool teacher. I enrolled in school and after graduation started my career in early childhood education.

Thirty years later and one resignation, I am contemplating returning to school to become a graphic designer. My starving artist period gave me a career working with young children, perhaps this time of unemployment will give me a second chance to live my dream.

In-Between

2010-11-11T07:37:00.000-08:00

Last night while trying to sleep, the tears came. All the fear and insecurity that I thought was behind me, came back with a vengeance. It always seem to happen that way; late at night as mind starts to give way to sleep, everything I so careful hide during the day comes rushing out. I've learned not to fight it, just let it come. Last night was no different - I let it come and sat on the couch crying and writing off and on for an hour. What I learned was transitions are hard. Being between on secure place and another is a whole lot of scary.

I've worked with children my whole life and have watched them struggle with transitioning from one activity to the next. As an adult it seems easy to stop one thing and move on to the next. As an unemployed adult I totally get why transitions freak them out; why they need schedules that are consistent - because without them they are just hanging in the breeze - no foundation (routine) to keep them grounded. I'm feeling the same way.

I am in-between:

jobs
two houses
in two cities
two different lives
getting paid and waiting to see if I get unemployment
everyone's advice about what I should do next (get a part-time job, wait by your mailbox to see about unemployment, go the holiday program, don't go to the holiday program, take time for yourself, etc, etc, etc)

In short I am in-between the life I led and the life I will lead. In-between is a no man's land of indecision, fear, wanting to please everyone, knowing that I find what is right for me and perhaps the most scary thought of all - my old life is gone and I have to build a new one. That thought is what keeps me up at night. I have to rebuild; again!

When I went to college I packed a few things and headed off without a care in the world. Of course I would make friends, find a major, life would be grand. And it was until I graduated and couldn't find a job. I got married thinking now I'll be a wife and mother until my husband - why talk when punching is more effective- left and I had to start over. I slowly rebuilt my life and started my career in daycare only to have to move and you guessed it start over. Then came the roomie from hell who waited until I left for work one day and moved all their belongings out leaving me to come home to an almost empty house. And I rebuilt. I made friends, volunteered...got a life. And now I'm right back where I started; my life has been dismantled yet again and I have to rebuild. Ain't life a kick in the ass?

Two Weeks

2010-11-09T06:48:00.000-08:00

It's been almost two weeks since I was forced to leave my job. The good news is it's getting better. I haven't cried in days (a new personal best!). I am not dwelling on what happened, my mind is not hitting the instant replay button of that morning. The hurt and pain have lessened...I am approaching the "life will go on stage."

I am not sure how or why these changes came about. Unlike the day I left, I can't pinpoint a moment when I realized I had to move forward; getting stuck in the past wasn't an option. I am grateful for this. Bitterness, isn't a flattering trait in anyone!

While I can't pinpoint the moment things improved I know these things helped:

my friends and family - amazing amount of support from each and everyone of them. My brother called me every day the first week just to make me laugh! And in true brotherly love he suggested I sell a kidney to make money, only after we had it tested to see if it was compatible with his or his sons. He also wanted half the money! Morbid maybe but the laughter was good.

my creativity - I used to complain I didn't have enough time for all the projects I wanted to do. Now I do and I'm taking advantage of that. I've started a blog, added items to our Etsy site and start each day now writing while drinking coffee. It may never amount to much but it a constant in my life right now and I need that.

future thinking - there will be other jobs. I need to be prepared which means getting clearances. Yesterday was the FBI one...fingerprints without ink.

Amy the Ass Kicker - everyone needs a friend like Amy. No rest for the wicked. I spent three days helping her organize her office, next I'll be designing and printing thank you cards...she keeps me busy and reminds me often I can do this.

reframing - it would be easy to get into all the negative thinking. Why me? I hate this? This is so confusing, etc, etc, etc. Instead when I find myself frustrated or trying to do something new - like file for unemployment, I repeat as often as necessary - "It's good to learn new things". It is...really!

And lastly, going with the flow. I don't know what the future holds. I am hopeful it holds good things. Regardless I remind myself daily that I am in a transition period. My life is changing from one phase to another. A forest grows better once some trees have been cut and replanted - more words of wisdom from my brother. I take comfort in that. I also take comfort in watching my friend Karen who lost her job in January. She spent 8 months unemployed - and today is realizing her dream of being a teacher. Her time off inspired her to try new things, to create, to concentrate on people instead of tasks, to enjoy the moments more. I am inspired by this...knowing I too will survive and will learn along the way. For now it is all good.

What to do with the Office Stuff

2010-10-29T04:40:00.000-07:00

At 6:30, well 6:37am, I woke up my head swirling. Welcome to the realization that you did quit your job and are unemployed and where is your next paycheck coming from and how are you going to support yourself and what if you never find a job and OMG what did YOU do? Sure didn’t take long for fear and insecurity to rear their ugly heads!

So here I am at 7:30am trying to figure out what to do. I’ve read a few unemployment blogs - nothing worth mentioning or revisiting. The clothes are in the dryer; animals fed and the house is much too quiet. Note to self, download some podcasts for mornings like this. I find tv too jarring most mornings.

Twenty one years of office accumulation is sprawled throughout my craft room; waiting for me to find it a new home. What is the protocol of office contents when you are between jobs? Do I store it in a box until my next job, throw most of it out or use what I can in the house? If this is my biggest decision of the day, then my stress level has been reduced to zero!

So What are you Going to do Next

2010-10-28T18:24:00.000-07:00

I have been unemployed less that 24 hours and the first question I get asked is "What are you going to do next?" Get a magic ball so I will have clue? I have no idea. After 21 years, the last three as the Director of a Child Care Center, I don't even know where to begin. It's like asking a five year old what they want to be when they grow up. I could be a fireman, teacher, vet, nurse, the list is endless.

For me the real question is what am I going to do tomorrow and the day after that and so on. Twenty one years of waking up, getting dressed and going to work is going to be a tough habit to change. My identity is tied to my work. I had good days and bad days depending on how work went. The successes helped boost my esteem and the challenges made me stronger. Oh yeah and the paycheck helped too.

So if I don't define my life by my work anymore; how do I define it? What do I do with the moments of my days? One thing I know I want to do is use this time wisely. If it takes me two months to find another job I want to know I used those two months wisely.

Tomorrow I turn in my resignation letter and get a check or two. I pay off a loan so I can keep my expenses as low a possible. I call a lawyer and make an appointment. I email colleagues to let them know I am unemployed and looking. I pay my health insurance for the next three months so I know I have that. Later there will be dinner with friends and play. Everything happens for a reason.